


the weight of us

by intertwiningsouls



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish is bad at roller coasters, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Ronan Lynch is Bad at Feelings, noah czerny is a helpful stranger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-10-31 13:27:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10900287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intertwiningsouls/pseuds/intertwiningsouls
Summary: The gang takes a trip to an amusement park before summer ends.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic!! i'm not really a writer, i just got this idea in my head and had to get it out! it's not planned or researched or edited, i'm just bs-ing my way through all of the sweet, awkward, fluffy, emotional moments i want these guys to have. title is from "the weight of us" by sanders bohlke, bc that's what was playing when i needed to choose a title.

 

Adam had never been to an amusement park before.

Ronan had been the one to talk him into it, in the same way he always managed to talk him into climbing into shopping carts meant for wrecking. There wasn’t really any saying no to Ronan Lynch. Adam had set aside money all summer long in order to save for his ticket. It hurt to think of spending so much money on something that fell 100% in the “unnecessary/fun” category, but Adam knew it would be one of their last chances to do something adventurous together, all four of them, before college threatened to separate their group for the foreseeable future. He could part with his hard-earned money if it meant having one more good memory to hold onto once he left Henrietta. It would just take sacrificing some of his smaller “fun” expenses over the summer, that’s all. If the others had figured out that’s why he had skipped more trips to Nino’s than usual over the past few months, none of them mentioned it.

It was a humid August morning, two weeks before college began, and the four of them were gathering in the parking lot at Monmouth Manufacturing. As Adam pulled up in his rattling excuse for a car he spotted Ronan Lynch leaning against his BMW, wearing his usual black tank top, dark jeans, and heavy boots. The sun was rising behind him, casting soft pinks and oranges across his shoulders, creating a halo of light around his shaved head. For a brief moment, as Adam shut off his engine, he allowed himself to admire how this soft glow suited Ronan’s sharp edges somehow. Ronan interrupted his thoughts by turning to yell towards Monmouth, “Shitbox is here, let’s go!” Adam rolled his eyes as he got out of his car and made his way over to where Ronan stood waiting with a sneer fixed on his face. “Nice farmer’s tan. Real sexy, Parrish.” Adam muttered a reply, unaffected by Ronan's sarcasm. He had expected as much when he had gotten dressed that morning and looked at himself in the dull mirror that hung in his cramped bathroom at St. Agnes.

While other Aglionby boys sported the leisurely and complete tans of beach vacations, international trips, and tanning salons, Adam’s skin had been marked by the repetitive cycle of his life under the unforgiving Henrietta sun: work, sleep, work, school, work, sleep, work, school, work, and so on. It was yet another visible reminder of how he didn’t quite belong with other Aglionby boys, but he had grown to accept it by now. Dirty freckles, stubborn grease-stained fingernails, unattractive tan lines. Maybe they didn't matter as much as he used to think. In all honesty, he had grown tired of trying to fit in with new people almost immediately when he had started at Aglionby, and by this point in time it was too late to impress the only people who already mattered to him, so he tried his best to let it go. Blue would never judge him for his appearance, Gansey was too preoccupied with his own, and he doubted he could impress Ronan even if he somehow succeeded in ridding himself of all of his flaws.

 

A loud crash signaled Blue’s arrival as she burst through the door of Monmouth, face red, damp bits of hair flying in every direction. Adam’s stomach tensed as he wondered what insensitive remark Gansey had let slip at Blue this time, and how it would affect the two hour drive to the amusement park, but then he spotted the massive blue cooler she was lugging behind her. It rolled on wheels, but she was visibly struggling from the effort of wrestling the thing down the stairs before the momentum had propelled her through the door with startling force. Gansey appeared behind her, looking like he didn’t quite know what to do with his hands. Gansey, Ronan and Adam watched silently as Blue dragged the heavy cooler across the parking lot to the Gansey’s painfully orange camaro. She stopped at the car, and turned to look at the three boys.  
“Well?” she demanded. The boys exchanged glances, wondering if they were in fact witnessing Blue Sargent ask for help. Their silent question was answered when she rolled her eyes, “If you think I’m lifting this past the front seat by myself, you’re all crazy. I’ve done my part.” Gansey stepped forward immediately, relieved to finally be allowed to help, and he and Blue spent the next several minutes wrestling with the cooler. The rising sun was already adding to the uncomfortable heat, and Adam prayed that the air conditioning in the Pig would be in a good mood today. While he was at it, he prayed that the Pig itself would keep it together for the whole trip. Adam wasn’t usually the praying type, but when it came to the Pig it was wise not to take any chances.  
When Gansey and Blue finally stepped back from the camaro, Blue pointed sharply to Adam and Ronan and said, “You ready?” When Ronan grunted and Adam shrugged, she clapped excitedly, “Get in. Time’s wasting!”

 

Adam found himself in a cramped back seat, pressed up against a pleasantly cold cooler that took up an entire seat, leaving approximately one and a half seats for two people. Adam was trying to decide if the instant comfort of the cooler would balance out the potential awkwardness of being cramped in a back seat with his ex-girlfriend/now friend for two hours when he heard Blue shout, “Oh, no. Huh-uh.” He looked up to see Ronan folding his arms and glaring up at Blue from the passenger seat as he growled, “Problem, maggot?” She leaned down to stare meaningfully back at Ronan. “There will be if I have to spend the next two hours smashed up against my ex-boyfriend. Now move.” Gansey settled into the driver’s seat and turned toward Ronan, pleading silently with his eyes. Ronan heaved a sigh and begrudgingly made his way to the backseat, making his feelings known by _accidentally_ managing to knock Gansey in the head on his way by. Adam focused on making himself as small as humanly possible, immediately regretting siding with Blue on bringing their own refreshments to avoid having to pay for overpriced park food.

As Ronan ungracefully slammed himself into Adam’s personal space, thigh against thigh, shoulder against shoulder, arm against arm, he could feel the heat overtaking his body. He tensed, pressing himself even harder against the cooler to his right, begging for any kind of relief from the living space heater on his left. Why couldn’t they have thought to put the cooler in the middle? But it was too late now, Gansey was already pulling out onto the main road. Adam let his head fall back, looking up for some kind of help, willing his heart to stop racing, praying the blush would fade from his face before anyone saw him like this. Two hours. He could do this. Just think of something else, anything else. His thigh burned where Ronan’s leg unapologetically leaned into him. He pulled his knees closer together, trying to put space between them. Ronan simply spread out even farther, occupying every bit of the offered space, and snickered, “Thanks, Parrish.” Adam groaned and looked to Blue, just as she turned in her seat to look at him. He shot her his best withering look, and she grinned back, offering a sly wink. This was going to be a long ride.

 

After about twenty minutes on the road, Ronan could feel Adam’s stiff form relax as he heaved a small sigh. “Could you scoot over at all?” Adam muttered, “You’re kind of taking up the whole seat.” Ronan made the mistake of turning away from the window to look at Adam, forgetting how close Adam’s face was. The cutting reply he had intended to throw Adam’s way betrayed him and disappeared somewhere behind the blush creeping up the back of his neck. The annoyance Adam wore earlier was gone, and now he just looked tired. His expression read, “I give up,” and the honesty in his dusty blue eyes was enough to make Ronan’s stomach do a flip. Ronan immediately turned his head back to the window and scooted over as far as he could. “Sure, Parrish, make yourself at home,” he grumbled. Now it was Adam’s turn to fill up the offered space, and he did so with a grateful sound. This was different than when Ronan barged into Adam’s personal space to irritate him, which he admittedly did far too often. It was easier to pretend when he was the one making Adam blush. It was not at all easy to pretend when Adam was the one sighing into his side like he actually wanted to be there. Ronan brought his wrist up to his mouth and began to chew on the well worn leather bands. He closed his eyes and leaned his head on the window, trying to focus on Gansey and Blue’s conversation up front, trying to forget the boy pressed into his side.

Trying and failing. Who had talked Adam into wearing a tank top today? Granted, they were all wearing tank tops today in preparation for the heat. Gansey had traded his offensive polo in for an equally offensive yellow tank top, and Blue had shown up in a surprisingly simple outfit of heavily embroidered jean shorts and a plain white tank top. Ronan wasn’t sure he had ever seen her in an article of clothing that could be described as “plain,” but apparently it was just as appealing to Gansey as the rest of her bizarre wardrobe, because he was staring at her just as much as normal. Adam’s usual rotation of his Aglionby uniform, the coveralls he wore at Boyd’s, and his handful of worn out t-shirts were already too much for Ronan to handle, for various reasons, but today was worse. Today he wore a soft grey tank top that somehow brought out the softness in the rest of him; his gentle blue eyes, elegant cheekbones, infuriatingly touchable hair -- and yet it showed off the strength of him at the same time. When he had stepped out of his car at Monmouth that morning, Ronan had stared too long. “Nice farmer’s tan. Real sexy, Parrish,” he had scoffed, fixing a sneer on his face. Adam had smirked, “And who am I trying to be sexy for?” Ronan’s heart had skipped into overtime, and didn’t stop.

 

\----------

 

Gansey and Blue exchanged knowing smiles in the front of the camaro. Their conversation had come to a stop as they tried to find a good parking spot in the already crowded lot, and when Gansey finally shut off the engine, they had turned around to find Ronan slumped against his side of the car, face pressed against the window, mouth ajar, snoring softly. Adam was slumped against the side of Ronan, face pressed against his bare shoulder, mouth ajar, snoring softly. Their matching poses and nearly matching tank tops made Blue snort with childish laughter. She pulled out Gansey's phone and snapped a picture before Gansey reached back and shook Ronan’s knee. “Let’s go, gentlemen. Adventure awaits.” Ronan and Adam stirred at the same time, simultaneously realizing their situation and straightening themselves out. “Fucking great, we haven’t even started riding shit yet and I’m already sore,” Ronan grumbled sleepily, trying to stretch the kinks out of his neck. Adam was too busy rubbing sleep out of his eyes to roll them, so instead he said, “You said to make myself at home.” He realized the not-so-subtle implications of that statement a moment too late, but before the embarrassment could settle in, Ronan hauled himself forward out of the car and shouted, “Excelsior!” in an offensively nasal tone. Blue nearly collapsed with laughter, and Adam couldn’t hide his smile even as Gansey looked to him helplessly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **although this is mostly happy dumb shit, there is talk about panic attacks in this chapter.**
> 
> adam experiences something similar, and briefly compares his experiences with both. (chronic stress can mess with your adrenaline production and cause random spikes or disproportionate reactions to stress — i’ve struggled with this, and in an odd way it was comforting to write adam struggling with this, too. with his life, it didn’t seem like too far of a stretch, so i wrote it in. i hope his explanation makes sense. <3)

Ronan and Blue had been bonding for weeks over the most intense rides they were going to ride, describing their favorites in vivid, horrifying detail. They had compiled a mental list of rides to challenge each other with, and now as they stood at the front of the park, they argued over where to start. “Chickening out already, Sargent?” Ronan reached out a hand to mess up Blue’s hair, but she swatted him away and insisted, “I’m just saying I think we should start small and give Adam a chance to warm up. Not everybody is a crazy adrenaline junkie like you, you know.” Ronan looked at Adam with a challenge gleaming in his eyes, “I say we ask him. What’s it gonna be, Farmer’s Tan? Top Thrill or the merry go round?”

Adam had heard all about this “top thrill” thing over the summer and if he remembered his facts correctly, it was over 400 feet tall and reached speeds of 120 mph in something like 3 seconds. Nothing about it sounded fun, but he rubbed a hand over his face and sighed, “Are you gonna call me that all day? Fuck it, fine, let’s just get it out of the way.”

Ronan let out a wild laugh and slapped him on the back, then took off through the growing crowd.

 

They had made it to the park early enough, but the line for the biggest ride in the park was already sickeningly long. Adam tried to look at anything _but_ the ride, desperately hoping the line would move faster, or the ride would be shut down, or just _something_. Knowing what was coming and not being able to do anything about it was making him antsy. His friends were talking, laughing, jabbing at each other, and the music playing from speakers above them was upbeat and happy. He tried to swallow his fear and push down the queasy feeling growing in his gut. Blue had said this ride only lasted 17 seconds. He could take anything for 17 seconds, he told himself. In fact, he’d survived much longer car rides with Ronan behind the wheel. He leaned back, resting his elbows on the hot metal line divider behind him and let his eyes wander, hoping for a distraction. Gansey, Blue and Ronan were playing rock paper scissors for who would ride shotgun on the way home. Adam watched Ronan’s fierce look of determination turn to disbelief and then anger -- he had thrown down paper and Gansey and Blue both reached to cut his hand with their scissors. Ronan smacked their hands away and cursed, which only made them laugh louder. Ronan’s eyes caught Adam’s and lingered for a second too long. Adam’s nerves came back full force.

 

After what felt like an eternity, it was their turn to strap into their seats. Gansey and Blue had claimed each other as ride buddies weeks ago (“So I can hold his hand when he gets scared,” Blue had laughed) and that left Adam facing an empty seat next to Ronan Lynch. He tried to tell himself that he had been in this situation many times before, every time Ronan was behind the wheel, but it only marginally helped steady his nerves as he lowered into his seat and gripped the bar across his lap. He tried to ignore the unnerving realization that he trusted Ronan’s driving more than he trusted a coaster on a track. _At least the coaster is controlled, at least it follows the rules_ , he told himself. Something buried deep inside him answered, _but the coaster doesn’t care if you live or die. Ronan would never let anything happen to you._ Adam allowed himself to hold onto this thought for a moment, trying to gain some sort of comfort from the presence of the boy next to him. As if on cue, Ronan leaned over with a positively evil grin on his face and hissed, “Try not to puke ‘til it’s over, will you?”

Adam shot him a deadly glare, and then the sound of the ride coming to life washed his face white with terror.

  

\----------

 

The next thing Adam knew, he was sitting on a bench in the shade. He was vaguely aware of Blue offering him a drink, Gansey pacing frantically, and Ronan sitting next to him, staring. Everything felt distant and foggy. He vaguely recalled the heat coursing through his body, his heart jumping out of his chest, the uncomfortable vibrating feeling that shook through his core.

A shoulder leaned into his, grounding him, and a low voice in his ear said, “Breathe, Parrish. It’s over. It was just a ride. You’re alright. For the love of God, just breathe.” A more distant voice said, “Jesus, Lynch, maybe let’s not be a condescending dick about the ride, okay? It was obviously bad enough for him to have a panic attack.” Ronan’s low voice, still close enough to Adam’s ear, said, “That’s not what I meant,” at the exact moment Adam thought, _that’s not what he meant_. It was just a ride. What had happened? Adam controlled his breathing and mentally retraced the last few minutes, reminding his body that there was no danger, no threat. After a few long minutes of breathing, he looked up and said, “It wasn’t a panic attack, I don’t think.” Gansey, Blue and Ronan focused on him sharply. “I mean, it’s not like the attacks I’ve had before. I think it’s just too much adrenaline. I feel fine.” He held his hands out in front of him and watched them shake. He felt weak all over. His friends didn’t seem convinced, so he continued, “Panic attacks are always more than this, they’re in my head and they take longer to recover from. I think this is just too much adrenaline. Sure, I was scared, but I feel fine in my head. You know?”

Gansey finally nodded, but his brows held their furrowed position and he rubbed a thoughtful thumb across his lower lip before asking, “Do you always faint when this happens?”

Adam thought for a moment, “No, after the adrenaline I just crash a little bit and then I’m fine.” A pause. “I suppose I probably should have eaten breakfast this morning,” he trailed off, looking embarrassed. He heard Ronan swear under his breath. Gansey seemed to be weighing his options for a few silent moments, and when he opened his mouth out came a carefully rehearsed speech about calling it a day and taking Adam home so he could rest. Before Ronan or Adam had a chance to protest, Blue reappeared and stood next to Adam, holding out an offering: a soft pretzel the size of her face. She was clearly out of breath, and her expression was equal parts determined and expectant. _Had she run to get food the moment he’d mentioned breakfast?_ Adam looked at her with wide eyes and hesitated. Ronan grabbed the pretzel out of her hands and shoved it into Adam’s. “Eat or we’re going home,” he said quietly, only for Adam, although his tone was still gruff.

 After Adam had finished off the soft pretzel and shown Gansey and Blue his hands to prove that they were returning to normal levels of steadiness, and after Ronan had cursed thirteen times in one sentence to mask its fragmented meaning of, “I’ll stay here and take care of Adam,” his two friends were finally persuaded to go on ahead without them.

 

As soon he was alone with Ronan, Adam let his face fall into his hands, “Did I really pass out?” Ronan laughed sharply, “You’re lucky I caught you. Had to drag your ass the whole way over here.” Adam groaned, and his Henrietta accent came out heavy with his embarrassment, “I’m so sorry.”  
“Shit, Adam, I’m the one who’s sorry. If I’d known you were actually that scared I wouldn’t have made you--”  
“You didn’t make me do anything. You don’t have to stay here. I just need to lay down for a minute.”

 At that, Ronan scooted to the end of the bench and tugged at Adam until he was laying down with his head across Ronan’s lap. Adam winced at the movement, his body still unsteady. He draped one arm across his face to cover his eyes as he tried to focus on his breathing again.

 He was still reeling between embarrassment and exhaustion, only now with a distracting warmth unfurling in his chest. _Maybe this isn’t the most helpful way to calm down_.

 Above him, Ronan let out a sigh that sounded an awful lot like, “Sorry.” Adam moved his arm just enough to look up at Ronan with one eye, squinting curiously. “What?” Ronan looked straight ahead, and spoke without unclenching his jaw. “Sorry. For ruining your day. I know you’ve been waiting all summer.” Adam huffed a silent laugh, bringing both arms to fold over his chest. _I know you’ve been saving all summer._ “Relax, Lynch. You didn’t ruin it. I told you already, I’ll be fine.”  
“Fine.”  
Adam let his eyes fall shut again. “Okay.”

 They sat like that in silence for a moment, then suddenly Adam felt a hand gently brush across his forehead, a barely there touch, pushing his sweat dampened hair away and lingering for half a second before it was gone. The warm feeling in Adam’s chest ignited.

 “You’re burning up, man,” Ronan said, as if he was personally offended by the fact, “maybe we should get you into some air conditioning. I didn’t pay to drag your hot ass around all day.” 

Laughter shot through Adam, propelling him forward out of Ronan’s lap before he saw it coming. He leaned his head in his hands as the laughter shook his shoulders. The weariness from a moment ago was all but gone, replaced by the sudden and dizzying sort of laughter Ronan always seemed to bring out of him at the most unexpected moments.

“Oh, shut the fuck up. You know what I meant.” Embarrassment crept up Ronan’s neck. He abruptly stood and made like he was ready to walk away.   
“Sorry,” Adam began in a sincere voice, then continued with a shit-eating grin, “I didn’t know my hot ass was such a problem for you.” At this, Ronan reached out to swat at Adam’s head, his touch soft and clearly playful while his words spat venom. “Fuck you, Parrish. Fuck you.”

 Adam always noticed how Ronan’s play fighting touches were different for him than when Ronan directed them at his other friends. Adam had seen Ronan tackle Gansey from behind countless times, and for two weeks his customary greeting towards Blue had been an offered high five that turned into a smack in the face with no warning. For Adam, however, it was always slow, always within his line of sight, and always gentle. This knowledge was a warm secret Adam kept for himself.

 This knowledge did not mean that Adam was always slow and gentle in return. Still riding out his wave of laughter, he shot out of his seat and shoved both hands into Ronan’s chest, causing him to stumble back a few steps. “You said yourself you never lie, man,” Adam laughed out breathlessly. Ronan closed the distance with a snarl and wrapped an arm around Adam, wrestling him into a chokehold that more closely resembled a hug as he scrubbed his free hand furiously through Adam’s hair. Adam knew he could have slipped out of Ronan’s grip in a second, but he lingered in the moment. He generally tried not to lean too hard into Ronan’s playful touches, it was too dangerous, but this one was more all-encompassing than he was used to. Even as he put up a struggle, he found it difficult to tear himself away from the arm wrapped around his neck and shoulder, the comforting scent of _Ronan,_ the hand moving through his hair for a second time that day. His mind began to wander down an embarrassing path of _how do I get him to play with my hair again next time,_ and at that, he tore himself free from Ronan’s grip.

Heart pounding, Adam held both hands out in front of him. “Okay, okay. Truce.” It wasn’t a question. He was truly out of breath now. “I thought we were going to find air conditioning.”

  

\----------

  

They ended up inside a small pastel colored ice cream shop in a relatively deserted area of the park. The tiny shop was smaller than Adam’s room above St. Agnes, with room for only a counter up front, and a few minuscule tables for two that lined one wall. It certainly didn’t scream _busy,_ as there were fewer than ten people in the space, but it felt full nonetheless. When there was only one person remaining ahead of them in line, Ronan leaned over and asked, “What’ll it be?” When Adam tried to argue about paying for his own ice cream, Ronan promptly stopped him. “Shut up. Goddamn. This is my formal apology for ruining your whole trip out here. You can win me a stuffed animal later if that makes you feel better, but for now, just accept the ice cream. Jesus.”

Adam grumbled something about, “we talked about this” but finally conceded - he would have a small vanilla cone. When Ronan stepped up to the counter he told the cashier, “One large vanilla cone,” and Adam elbowed him in the side, and Ronan kicked him in the leg. Then Ronan ordered a sundae with every available topping.

Ronan grabbed their orders from the cashier with a grunted, “Thanks,” and then, with a massive serving of ice cream in each hand, he turned to survey the tiny room. Without a moment's hesitation, he prowled over to a corner table where an innocent young couple was chatting. The empty containers and wrinkled napkins on their table indicated that they were done eating, so Ronan stood directly in front of them and glared. Adam watched silently by the counter and tried to make himself invisible. It only took a moment for the young man and woman to exchange a look and clear out, swiping trash off their table and ducking around Ronan like scared children. Adam felt sorry for them as he watched them exit the ice cream shop, but he couldn’t stop a grin from spreading across his face. Ronan turned to him and flashed a wide smile tinted with equal parts pride and mischief. Adam couldn’t help but laugh, and Ronan waved him over with an ice cream cone.

 

\----------

 

Ronan felt a confusing yet familiar rush of pride and relief when he turned to find Adam standing at the counter with a soft smile on his face. _I did that._ This happened nearly every time he somehow managed to make Adam happy, and it was at once incredible and terrible for his sanity. He doubted anybody in the world would get this much enjoyment out of digging their own grave. He doubted anybody in the world would be so dumb as to fall this hard for their obviously straight best friend. He doubted anybody in the world had known anybody as beautiful as Adam Parrish.

Adam was still flushed, his eyes were crinkled with laughter, and his tank top was clinging to his chest in a way that made Ronan want to crush the ice cream cone in his hand.

Instead, he handed it to Adam as they settled into their seats across from each other. These tables really _were_ tiny. Shit. There was a brief moment of awkward shuffling as as they tried to sort themselves out, eventually resigning themselves to the inevitability of their knees resting against each other.

This was fine. Ronan stabbed his spoon into his sundae. He focused on the sprinkles, gummy bears, and cookie crumbles. They ate in silence as the minutes stretched on. Finally, he allowed himself to steal a glance up at Adam, who was absentmindedly licking around the melting ice cream cone in his hands. _Fuck._ Ronan snapped his attention back to his own ice cream and silently devoured the last of it with a series of angry stabs.

When he was finished eating, he let his hands occupy themselves by breaking his plastic spoon into as many pieces as possible. He poured his frustrated feelings into the mindless activity, keeping his voice level as he attempted to distract himself with conversation. “So what does your ideal day at an amusement park look like if you can’t ride any of the good shit? Were you planning on just riding the ferris wheel alone all day, or..?”

Adam laughed, “How would I know? I told you guys I’ve never been before. I didn’t expect it to be that… to mess me up like that.” His voice faltered. Ronan stole another glance and saw a familiar look of shame creeping over Adam’s face. Ronan knew what kind of self-deprecating internal monologue Adam was about to spiral into, and he wasn’t having any of it. He was not going to let this day be ruined. “Listen up, I know Gansey had this whole day mapped out in excruciating detail, and he might have an aneurysm when he finds out we’ve strayed from his perfect agenda, but I have an idea. Relax, this time it doesn’t involve anything scary.”

Adam rolled his eyes, “I really think I’m fine now. The ice cream was a good idea. We can catch up with Gansey and Blue and resume the plan now, it’s okay.”

Ronan stood abruptly, “Sure, resume the plan, and have a repeat of what just happened. Not in the mood, Parrish. New plan.” He sprinkled the splintered bits of plastic spoon into his empty sundae container, dropped the mess in a nearby trash can, and walked out of the little shop. Adam scrambled to follow, and was rewarded with a wave of bright searing heat as he pushed the door open. He had forgotten how hot it was today, and the sudden reminder stopped him in his tracks. He looked around, trying to get his bearings, and found that Ronan was already a good thirty feet ahead, walking briskly, no sign of slowing down. Asshole. Adam tried his best to catch up without running, and eventually they were side by side again. “So are you going to tell me what the new plan is?” he huffed out, hoping he sounded more irritated than out of breath.

Ronan flashed a sharp smile and said, “We are going to do what we should have done in the first place." Adam followed his gaze and realized with a sinking feeling that they were headed directly towards a large carousel.

“Oh, no, I’m not doing this,” he tried to say, but Ronan had already grabbed his wrist and was pulling him forward. “Don’t tell me you’re too scared, Parrish,” Ronan shouted over his shoulder, “I’ve seen actual newborn babies on this thing.”

 

\----------

 

Adam wasn’t sure if the embarrassment from passing out earlier could compare to the discomfort he felt while waiting in line for a brightly colored and obnoxiously musical carousel, surrounded by five year olds and parents holding tiny babies. Ronan still had a firm grip on Adam’s wrist as he leaned over to whisper, “These things are actually kind of fun, but if you tell Gansey or Blue I said that, I’ll kill you.” This elicited a surprised laugh from Adam as he turned to meet Ronan’s blue eyes, full of mischief and secrets and entirely too close. Suddenly it was all too much. The laugh turned to a cough and his hand flexed involuntarily beneath Ronan’s grip. He counted to ten and desperately scanned the crowd for something to focus on.  Just as he opened his mouth, “You know, you can let-” a quick glance revealed that Ronan was mid-conversation with a boy he had somehow missed before. He was strangely attractive, his white blond hair pushed back under a backwards hat, an accessory that had an oddly grounding effect on his ethereal sort of beauty. Adam turned his good ear in time to hear the boy say, “--see too many gay kids out in this town, good for you guys.” Adam’s mouth gaped, but before he could protest, Ronan’s hand slid down along his wrist, long calloused fingers intertwining firmly with his. Adam closed his mouth and swallowed. Ronan smiled at the ethereal boy and simply said, “Thanks.”

 

“What the hell was that?” Adam sputtered, once the strange boy had disappeared. He had pulled away from Ronan and now they stood off to the side while the thin crowd of people in line passed them by. Anger burned hotly beneath his skin. It felt as though Ronan had just reached into Adam’s most hidden, protected parts of himself and had trotted all of his secrets out for a casual conversation with a total stranger.

 Ronan looked at him with no discernible expression, “I’m gay.”  
“Okay. But why did you have to do that?”  
Mild irritation seeped into Ronan’s expression as he sighed, “Not going to start lying now, Parrish.”  
“And holding my hand isn’t lying?”  
Ronan’s eyes widened as the memory of his earlier action came back full force. “Shit, Adam. I didn’t even think -- I know you’re not -- I shouldn’t have brought you into that --  Fuck. Sorry.”

Hearing Ronan so flustered; stuttering, apologizing, and saying _Adam_ yet again felt like water dousing a fire. This day was filled to overflowing with apologies from Ronan, and although he previously would have thought he’d enjoy it a bit more, it suddenly felt unnecessary.

“S’fine. Don’t worry about it,” Adam said quietly. He watched as Ronan relaxed by a fraction, and then he swallowed down the rising nerves in his throat and made a sudden decision. “Can you keep a secret?”  
“You’re seriously asking me if I can keep a secret?” Ronan arched an eyebrow and looked down at Adam. Lies and secrets were two entirely different beasts, in Ronan’s mind, and he excelled at the latter. Adam rolled his eyes and let them land anywhere but Ronan. He couldn’t look into those eyes for this. This was a moment of honesty between friends, a terrifying step out of _unknowable._ He sucked in a deep breath and his hands made fists in his pockets. “I’m kind of gay, too.” Ronan’s eyebrow arched higher. After what felt like an eternity, he dragged a hand over his shaved head and shot Adam a confused look, “Uh. Blue?”  
“Yeah? I mean, yeah, that was real. I like girls. I just… I mean, I’m into guys too.”  
Ronan choked and tried to pass it off as a laugh, which he prayed sounded more amused than panicked. “I think the word for that is bisexual, genius.”  
“Right.”  
“Okay.” _I’m into guys, too._ He was going to be playing that soundbite in his head until the day he died. An impossible door had just opened in his heart, the hope of it already too much to bear. _This doesn’t mean anything. Breathe. Fuck._

Adam shifted nervously, “Sorry for overreacting. I didn’t even consider it from your perspective, it just felt like you were mocking me.”   
Ronan barked out a laugh, “Why the hell would I do that? I had no fucking idea. Besides, if that’s not the pot calling the kettle black,” he tried for a smirk.   
Adam found himself grinning. “Okay, so now that we’re done coming out to each other in line for the carousel, are we going to actually ride anything today?”  
Ronan’s smirk grew, “Well, it was a little anti-climatic for me, but sure.”  
“Anti-climatic?” Adam laughed again. He couldn’t seem to _stop_ laughing. Something inside his heart felt free.  
“Uh, yeah, shithead, I finally tell you I’m gay and you breezed right past it to yell at me.”  
“Sorry,” Adam shrugged, “I guess I wasn’t exactly surprised… besides, what are you supposed to say?”  
“To be completely honest, I have no idea. Wait. You weren’t surprised?”

Adam froze momentarily. How was he supposed to answer that without giving away any more secrets?  _You look at me differently when you think I can’t see you._ No, for all he knew, that was his own wishful thinking. He settled on, “Well, I mean, you don’t exactly try to hide it, do you?”

Ronan considered this for a moment. There had been a time when he had hidden it even from himself, but that was a long time ago, now. Adam was right. This was one of his secrets that had dissolved into a reality he had just never bothered to announce. “Fair enough. You, though. What the hell? Since when?” He prodded Adam with a joking nudge.

Adam groaned internally at how difficult this honesty thing was proving to be. _Since you._ “Looking back, it makes sense that it was always there. I had to sit down and think it through more recently, though. I’ve been wanting to tell you guys, I just hadn’t found a good time.”

Ronan let out a laugh and gestured to the line of parents and children slowly passing them by, “No time like the present." He added more seriously, “I can help you tell the others, if you want,” he faltered, “I mean, if that’d make it easier. I should probably get around to telling them, too.” Adam nodded gratefully. Beside him, Ronan shuddered noisily and shook out his shoulders and arms, and then snapped, “Alright, shithead, heart to hearts make me itchy. We gonna ride this thing or what?”

Adam smiled at the familiar ease with which they could switch gears. Fighting one minute, laughing the next. Awkward moments turned into casual ones, just like that. Serious conversations turned into sarcastic jabs at the others’ expense. Everything was always too much when it came to Ronan, yet somehow nothing was ever too much.

Adam eased back into line and nudged Ronan with a wicked grin, “When you tell Gansey you’re gay are you also going to tell him you think carousels are fun?”  
“Fuck you, Parrish. Try not to pass out this time.”  
“I can help you, if that would make it easier.”  
“Fuck YOU, Parrish!” With that, Ronan grasped at Adam for another headlock, but Adam ducked away with a shriek of laughter and hopped onto the carousel platform. He called back in his best Gansey voice, “Try to keep it civil, Lynch, there are newborn babies on this thing, remember?”  
“I am being perfectly fucking civil,” Ronan scowled as he followed behind. He couldn't help but wonder, though, if all of this harmless teasing felt a little more like flirting suddenly. The door in his heart was leaking painful amounts of hope into his system, and he wondered briefly if this is what it would feel like to have a heart attack. Following Adam, he silently admired the way his dusty hair curled over the base of his neck, trailing down to bare freckled shoulders. Ronan realized in a moment of terrifying clarity that he might not mind if this heart attack never stopped. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!!! 
> 
> i don't know if i will continue this?? i've never had any sort of plot or direction planned out, i just sat down and started writing. i hope you've enjoyed it anyway! <3


	3. Chapter 3

The carousel had been a whopping success. Adam had laughed wildly when Ronan had perched on top of a flower covered unicorn like it had been his very own majestic steed, and Ronan had enjoyed the sight of the breeze ruffling Adam’s hair while he laughed. 

After the ride ended they had moved onto bigger and better things. Things like bumper cars, and the trolley that took them around the park at a snail’s pace. At Adam’s insistence that he could handle more, Ronan finally led him to a ride called the Scrambler. The force of the ride pressed them together the entire time and Ronan could feel the laughter shaking through Adam’s body. They agreed that the wind from the ride was a welcome relief from the sweltering heat. They rode it six times. 

Hours passed that way, with them finding a ride they could both enjoy and then staying on it until Adam’s laughter was exhausted. By noon, the memory of Adam passing out was a distant memory, and Ronan was satisfied that he had successfully managed to redeem their trip. 

 

They were standing in a shaded walkway looking over a colorful map of the park when Ronan's phone rang loudly in his pocket. Ronan ignored it. It kept ringing. With a small huff, Adam reached his arm around Ronan and slid his hand into his back pocket to retrieve the phone. 

“Hello?” His Henrietta accent came out thick, which meant he was either very uncomfortable or very comfortable. He mouthed, “Gansey” towards Ronan and rolled his eyes, then turned away to continue speaking. 

Ronan watched him, his unspoken question from earlier ringing out in his chest.  _ Is this flirting or am I losing my goddamn mind?  _ This certainly wasn’t the first time Adam had grown impatient with Ronan and answered his phone himself. It wasn’t even the first time he had reached into Ronan’s pocket to do so. So why on earth did it  _ feel _ like the first time?

Their conversation from earlier was fucking with him. He knew it was. Ronan tuned out of what was apparently a very dull phone call between Adam and Gansey and spun his leather bracelets around his wrist in slow circles. 

One of the leather straps stood out from the rest, obviously newer. He thought of the one he had needed to replace a few months ago, after it had been mercilessly worn down by years of chewing and had finally snapped during an incident involving Adam and an old tractor. 

The memories of that day came flooding back, and Ronan instantly felt the warmth of them. 

_ A summer Saturday at his childhood home. Adam casually suggesting, “Let’s go to the Barns.” No homework, no shift at Boyd’s, no projects to finish. They had spent fourteen blissful hours at the Barns doing… doing what?  _

_ Doing nothing.  _

_ Taking turns messing with the dial on the radio; Ronan doing his best to keep it playing something reasonable, like electronica, and Adam being a little shit and turning the dial to fucking  _ opera _ every time Ronan left the room.  _

_ Fighting over the right way to make grilled cheese sandwiches, and finally deciding to each make their own. “See? Try this. It’s the only way.” Trading sandwiches to compare, and not saying anything when neither one of them traded back.  _

_ Falling asleep for three hours in the middle of the day because why the hell not. Because it was hot outside. Because there was nothing to do. Because they sat down on the couch next to each other and secretly Ronan couldn’t find a good enough reason to get back up. Because the air conditioning at the Barns was unreal, and Adam looked so comfortable under his mismatched pile of found blankets that Ronan couldn’t find a good enough reason to not steal one and settle in.  _

_ Adam’s head had slumped onto Ronan’s shoulder when he had drifted off to sleep, and when Ronan woke hours later, the room had taken on a dusty purple hue and everything seemed softer somehow. The radio had gotten stuck on a classical piano piece that was either very beautiful or very sad. Ronan sucked in a careful breath. He knew memorizing a happiness like this could kill him, but he was going to do it anyway. He looked down at Adam, who had settled deeper with his head on Ronan’s chest and an arm wrapped loosely around his waist. Their feet were tangled softly under a cable knit afghan. Adam’s face was pressed against Ronan in a way that should have been unflattering or comical, but on Adam it just looked peaceful. Comfortable. Ronan hated himself for the fondness rising in his chest. He hated himself for the way he couldn’t stop his hand from coming up to run a thumb ever so slightly across the dusting of freckles along Adam’s cheekbone. Mostly, he hated himself for the way that his touch accidentally drew Adam out of sleep. Adam brushed the knuckles of a tanned hand over his cheek, like something had tickled him, and for a split second he nuzzled closer into Ronan before realizing where he was. To Ronan’s surprise, he stopped but he didn’t completely pull away. He simply lifted his head to look up at Ronan through sleep-drowsy eyelashes in a comfortably confused haze for a moment that lasted a beat too long.  _

_ Ronan fought an entire battle in seconds. Every inch of his body screamed at him to pull Adam back down, wrap him up, and never let go. A pounding in his brain screamed at him to  _ get out get out get out _ before he ruined everything.  _

_ A low rumble of thunder broke the moment.  _

_ A heavy summer rain had surrounded them while they slept, and now they clumsily untangled themselves from each other and the numerous blankets without a word. The loss of contact only proved to Ronan that, yes, he  _ was _ actually a colossal dumbass for soaking the moment in while it had lasted, because now that the moment was gone, never to return again, his skin felt too small, his jaw wouldn’t unclench, and something unnamed was crushing his heart. A sour mood fell over him, matching the heavy clouds that darkened the view out the window.  _

_ Adam had put up with his sulking for a grand total of five minutes before he shoved him out the door into the pouring rain and took off toward one of the nearest barns. Inside, Adam’s eyes had lit up with an idea, and twenty minutes later, they were standing at the top of a long, sloping hill in the pouring rain with a tractor and a wooden pallet chained to it in a makeshift sled. _

_ Ronan knew that one of his own tricks was being used against him, but he couldn’t say no to the mischievous glint in Adam’s eyes. By the end of the night when they were both soaking wet, covered in mud from head to toe, and out of breath from shouts and whoops and laughter, Ronan was grateful that Adam somehow always knew when he needed to be left alone, and when he needed someone to pull him out of his head. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve a friend like that. Later that night, when Ronan dropped Adam off at his St. Agnes apartment, the huge swell of gratefulness in his heart had filtered out through his strained lips in a simple muttered, “thanks for today.” Adam had smiled back just as though Ronan had actually expressed the enormity of his feelings, and for a brief, terrifying moment, Ronan felt understood. He peeled away in his BMW and drove until the sun came up. _

 

A cough broke Ronan out of his thoughts. Adam was standing in front of him expectantly, holding out his phone with slender, sun-kissed fingers. What little impulse control Ronan possessed was quickly slipping away, and he knew it. He knew this was a bad idea, but goddamnit, he was being eaten alive by the  _ not knowing _ \- and so, in another move that had all the potential to ruin his life, he turned his hips slightly toward Adam, the small gesture indicating exactly what he wanted Adam to do. 

A look flitted across Adam’s face before Ronan could identify it, and then he was back to looking bored. “Gansey said they’re breaking for lunch,” he said, and then he took a single step closer, too close,  _ fuck,  _ and his hand with the cell phone burned a path along Ronan's waist - “they want us to meet” - across his hip - “at the car in ten minutes” - down the curve of his ass - “and he asked if we packed enough food to share.” The phone was pressed into Ronan’s pocket and the hand was gone and Adam was still going on about sandwiches like he hadn't just taken Ronan apart with a single touch. “I don't know what he means by that, of course we packed enough for everybody.” 

 

Ronan was silently reevaluating everything he had ever known. 

 

Why did he suddenly feel like he knew everything and yet knew nothing at all? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! <3 
> 
> i do have a general direction for the next chapter or two!! noah is going to reappear because i love him dearly. and ronan and adam are not done flirting/not-flirting/touching way too fucking much because apparently that's my jam?? these boys deserve happiness and pda so that's what they're gonna get, no matter how ooc it is.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those of you who are here for the fluff, i'm sorry! there's a little bit of angst in this chapter! 
> 
> i mean, it's heavy on the fluff too. just wait. 
> 
> also, fyi, adam's shitty dad sort of shows up in the form of intrusive thoughts and insecurities here. always, if i miss mentioning something, let me know!

Adam chewed on the inside of his lip, focused on blocking out thoughts that all spun from the same reel, _Stupid boy. Fucked up again. Can’t do anything right._ He had made so much progress with that nagging voice in his head, but the way Ronan had darkened when Adam had touched him had brought every one of Adam’s insecurities to the surface. Of course Ronan, whose language was largely physical, wouldn’t have thought twice about an interaction like the one they had just shared -- until Adam made it weird. He wasn’t even sure what exactly he had done to make it weird, after all, he had only been doing what Ronan had asked him to do. All he had done was put Ronan’s phone back in his pocket. But it must have shown, somehow, the way the simple contact had made Adam feel, because Ronan reacted like he had been burned. 

The shame of burning another person with his touch gnawed at Adam’s mind during their silent walk to the parking lot to meet the others for lunch.

He did his best to argue the shame away, knowing it came from somewhere -- someone -- else, trusting it didn’t come from his best friend who had tangled their limbs a thousand times today in playful fights or obnoxious distractions. His best friend, who barged into Adam’s personal space every chance he got. His best friend, who looked at him like he was magic when he thought Adam couldn’t see. 

Adam’s head hurt with the inconsistency of it all. He logically knew that Ronan was not repulsed by him, based on the insurmountable evidence of affection in his everyday actions, but the second he started to test the idea that the other boy’s affection meant something more, he ended up feeling like he was, in fact, a repulsive waste of time.

Maybe they were just good friends, Ronan was just naturally affectionate, and Adam was prone to wishful thinking. This was the explanation he fed himself most often; ignoring the fact that Ronan was loose with affection like Adam was loose with money or time. This explanation left him hungry for more, but it was clear that it was the best he was going to get, so he held onto it and tried to clear all other thoughts from his head.

 

\----------

 

Adam and Ronan arrived at the car first, no sign of Gansey or Blue anywhere. Ronan was still dark, fidgeting, and reserved, so Adam left his side and went to go lean against the Pig to wait in silence. Ronan followed, stopping when he got too close and stood by the back tire. He kicked at it over and over again with the toe of his boot. His hands were shoved deep in his pockets, and he kept stealing sideways glances at Adam like he was thinking about saying something.

Before Adam could decide if he wanted to know what that something was, the sound of Gansey and Blue’s laughter in the distance drew his attention several cars down, where he could see them walking hand in hand. There was a boy with them. It was the boy Ronan had been talking to in line for the carousel, with the white blonde hair and interesting face. What was he doing with Gansey and Blue?

When the three of them stopped in front of the Camaro, the blonde boy’s face lit up and he happily exclaimed, “Ronan!” He held his fist out for a fist bump like they were old friends, “I didn’t think I’d see you again!” Ronan’s semi-permanent scowl morphed into a look of confusion, but he returned the fist bump without argument. When Ronan said nothing, the boy looked to Adam with a friendly smile, and said, “And it’s nice to see you again, Ronan’s boyfriend. I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name earlier. I’m Noah!”

Adam’s mind was spiraling out of control at the words _Ronan’s boyfriend,_ but he managed to shake hands with Noah and get out the words, “I’m Adam.”

Gansey was blinking rapidly in his effort to process everything he was hearing. “Wait, Noah, you’ve met my friends?”

Blue didn’t wait for Noah’s answer before blurting out, “Boyfriend!?”

Her near shriek pulled Adam back into himself, and he cast a panicked glance at Ronan. Ronan. If he had looked annoyed earlier, he looked downright angry now. His face was three shades of red, and the muscles in his jaw were visibly clenching and unclenching. Adam realized with horror that he had introduced himself without disputing the title of boyfriend. His brain sputtered to life and words fell out in a desperate haste to fix the situation. “I’m not his boyfriend,” he said, “that was all a stupid misunderstanding.”

Gansey looked marginally relieved at having one less confusing thing to sort out. He rubbed his temple and turned to offer an apologetic smile at Noah, “They’re not actually gay, see-”

At the exact same moment, Ronan and Adam blurted out, “Yes, I am.”

Gansey choked on his next words and spiraled into a wide-eyed coughing fit.

Adam wanted nothing more than to be known by his friends, and for Ronan to know that he wasn’t trying to push himself on him. He just wished he didn’t have to say this next part out loud. The words came out through clenched teeth. “Actually, I’m bisexual. I’m just not with Ronan.”

Blue patted Gansey’s back comfortingly as his coughing fit died down. She was the only one who didn’t look shocked or supremely uncomfortable. Adam had a mind to ask her about it later when Gansey wasn’t staring openly between Ronan and Adam. Gansey’s mouth kept opening and closing, questions dying on his tongue before they made it out.

Adam cast a secret glance at Ronan and found a version of him he hadn’t seen in a very long time. Eyes drowning in fire, face twisted in disgust, arms folded tightly across his chest; every ounce of his physical presence screamed hatred.

Surprisingly, more than shame, Adam felt anger heat him from the inside out. If Ronan was going to encourage constant touching, and then pretend they were dating, Ronan could deal with the constant touching and people thinking they were dating. If he wanted to get all pissy about it, that was his own problem.

If he thought Adam was such a disgusting thing to be associated with, he had been free to leave all along; Adam hadn’t forced him to stay.

When Ronan looked over and caught his eye, Adam shot him a scathing look. What normally would have turned into a glaring contest fizzled out before it even began. Ronan swallowed visibly and turned away. He disappeared around the car and climbed into the back seat, apparently done with this whole situation.

That was fine. Adam was suddenly exhausted anyway.

Apparently, Gansey, Blue, and Noah had moved the conversation along without him, and he tuned in to hear Blue explain to Noah that Ronan was, “just like that sometimes; he’ll cool off soon. No harm done.”

Noah still looked unsure of himself, like he wanted to fade out and forget this conversation ever happened. He eyed Adam nervously, “Adam, bud, I’m so sorry, I did not mean to out you like that, I had no idea your friends didn’t know about you and Ronan, and I had no idea you and Ronan weren’t, you know, you-and-Ronan, and I just. God. I feel terrible! Can you forgive me?” He clasped his hands dramatically, although his face was one hundred percent genuine.

Adam could sense that he had a good heart, and couldn’t find it in him to direct any of his anger at the blonde boy. He smiled tiredly, “Don’t mind me and Ronan, I piss him off all the time. He’ll come around.” Adam hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. “Also, you didn’t know that they didn’t know,” he nodded towards Gansey and Blue, “so don’t feel bad. We were actually just about to tell them.”

Noah’s nervous tension released, and he threw an arm around Gansey, hanging off him like a rag doll. “Oh, thank God, because I really wanted to hang out with you guys today, and I was afraid I’d just fucked my chances!”

Adam laughed at the fair boy’s odd, puppy-like charm, and wondered at the familiarity between him and Gansey. “Do you two know each other from somewhere?”

Gansey was dragging Noah along with him towards the Camaro, but he turned to look over his shoulder and laugh, “Noah saved me once, a very long time ago. I owe him my life!”

Noah turned to grin wildly, “It’s a long story. But first, Gansey says that you have food for me? I’ll love you forever!”

 

\----------

 

They sat under a small tree in a patch of grass separating the parking lot from the park entrance, a blanket spread out beneath them, and the contents of the cooler sprawled messily between them. Blue and Gansey sat nearly in each other’s lap, and Noah was close by, hanging on their every word. Adam was reclining on his elbows at the far end of the blanket, as far away from Ronan as possible. It shouldn’t have mattered. It did.

Ronan still hadn’t said a word since blurting out his sexuality in the parking lot. Gansey had nearly had a heart attack, which should have been reason for conversation, or at least food for thought, but all Ronan could hear were Adam’s words on a loop. Each time they played in his head, he could hear more disdain leaking out through Adam’s clenched jaw. “Stupid misunderstanding.” “Not with Ronan.” _Tell us how you really feel,_ Ronan scoffed. The questions that had spent the summer growing inside of him, the questions he had very nearly _asked_ today, goddamnit, they had been answered, once and for all. At least he had Noah to thank for pulling the answer out of Adam before he had been stupid enough to ask, himself. God. If it was this unbearable now, how bad would it have been if he had actually said the words?

For the thousandth time, the final time, he buried the words deep inside his chest, behind the throbbing pain that was his heartbeat. He would retreat into himself, get through this day, and get home -- where he would be free to let this feeling out without risking collateral damage.

So what if his deepest fears had just been confirmed, and his greatest hopes crushed, all in the same breath. He could deal with that for a few more hours. He could eat his sandwich even though it was sand in his mouth. He could pretend to be paying attention to Blue’s bright conversation.

Fuck. He couldn’t breathe.

 

\----------

 

Blue laughed merrily at Noah’s misfortune. He threw himself back on the blanket, sprawling out over bags of chips and empty juice boxes. “They’re not going to let me back in now! You don’t understand. This would happen to me! I have the shittiest luck!” Even Adam was chuckling. He had to admit, it was a comical sight. The beautiful, bright boy had a dirty smudge of purple-blue ink across his cheekbone. A smudge that, at one point, had been his re-entry stamp for the amusement park, before he had rubbed the back of his hand along his sweaty face. Noah’s face was twisted in agony, and Adam realized that maybe this boy’s baseline was a little bit dramatic. He looked around his small group of friends and realized with fondness that perhaps they were all a little bit dramatic. His eyes fell on Ronan last, sitting away from the group a bit, and the fondness in his chest tightened. He caught himself feeling concerned by how physically ill Ronan looked, and then he remembered why he looked that way. This time, the hurt came before the anger, and he felt a stabbing in his chest. For an unfortunate half-second, their eyes met. Adam looked away too quickly. He blinked away the stinging in his eyes.

Ronan stood abruptly and declared, “I’m going for a walk.”

Gansey hastily got to his feet, nearly dumping Blue out of his lap in the process. “I’m coming with you.” 

A vicious noise hissed from Ronan’s retreating figure, but it did nothing to deter Gansey. He trailed Ronan quietly as far as Adam could see, and then the two of them disappeared in the crowd.

Adam felt a nudge at his ribs and turned to find that Blue had moved to sit closer. She looked up at him with some mix of concern, pity, and love. Her eyes held a question. He sighed out his sadness in reply. She laid her head on his shoulder, and he let her. Something about Blue made it okay that she always knew more about him than he ever said out loud.

Noah watched this interaction with a sad smile. “You’re lucky, you know,” he said to Adam. “Your friends love you very much. Not everyone has that.”

The tightness in Adam’s chest wanted to argue, but he knew it was true. Gansey would die for him, Blue was always going out of her way to make him feel like he belonged, and Ronan… well, Ronan was a challenge, but Ronan made him a better man, and he was the best friend Adam had ever had. He had waded through all of Adam’s ugliness with him when things had been bad, without ever batting an eye. So he got angry when Adam got too close. Fair enough. He would just get better at keeping a safe distance. Adam’s breathing relaxed, and he let his head fall and rest on Blue’s.  

 

\----------

 

Gansey figured the silence had lasted long enough, so he lengthened his strides until he was walking in step with Ronan. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“The fuck would I talk about?”

The venom Gansey expected was gone, replaced by the tired, small voice of a Ronan he hadn’t heard in a long time. He reached out a hand and rested it on Ronan’s shoulder. They stopped walking. Gansey found an empty park bench and sat down. 

A moment later, Ronan joined him, elbows on knees, head buried in his hands. He spoke through his hands, and the sound came out muffled. “I fucked it up with Adam. He hates me.”

Gansey was quiet. His hand found its way back to Ronan’s shoulder.

Ronan moved a hand so he could look at Gansey from around his fingers. “Aren’t you going to ask about me being gay, or whatever?”

Gansey gave a small smile, “Do you really want me to?”

Ronan snorted, “Fuck no.”

Gansey laughed, and then he added soberly, “Listen, I’m an idiot. I probably should have figured that out a long time ago. Now that I know, it feels like I always knew, and just never _knew._ I feel like a shitty friend. I hope I wasn’t making it hard for you to talk about it, or be yourself, or anything like that.” 

Ronan shook his head, “You were fine. I just didn’t feel like talking about it. You know I’ve always been myself with you.”

Gansey thought to nights at Monmouth with Ronan and his terrible music, raiding the fridge in his boxers at midnight, throwing expired twinkies at Gansey’s model town of Henrietta, cackling the whole time until Gansey chased him back to his room. Gansey swatted at the side of Ronan’s head. “You’ve always been a little _too_ yourself, for my taste, but then, you’re proud of that.”

Ronan grinned wickedly and said nothing.

“So,” Gansey cleared his throat. “How did you fuck things  up with Adam?”

Ronan’s wicked grin disappeared. He stumbled around for the right words and came up empty. “I don’t know. He just hates me.”

Gansey leveled an affectionately stern look at Ronan and sighed, “Now _you_ might be the idiot. In what world does Adam Parrish hate you?”

Ronan laughed, but Gansey could hear the pain in it as clearly as if he had cried out. “In the world where he figured out that I like him.”

“You what!?” Gansey’s mouth hung open.

Gansey’s endearing ignorance gave Ronan something to focus on, and it eased the ache in his chest just enough for him to continue the conversation. He laughed, “Jesus, Gansey. You can be a dense motherfucker sometimes.” 

Gansey was growing exasperated, but he wasn’t giving up. “Okay, I see that I have no right to dispute that. But how did Adam find out?”

“Fuck if I know. All I know is he’s pissed at me, and it has something to do with me being too much, and not at all what he wants.”

“You know, Ronan, you could try talking to him.”

“Sure, right after I’m done jumping in front of a moving train.”

“Ronan, I’m serious. I might be dense, but there is no way in this world Adam hates you. Have you seen the way he looks at you? I can’t believe I actually didn’t put two and two together before...” Gansey rubbed his chin, getting lost in that train of thought.

Ronan didn’t want to hear any more if it had anything to do with that miserable thing called hope. The damage had been done. He sighed heavily. “I saw the way he looked at me today. That was enough, man. I don’t know if I can talk about this anymore.” Ronan tried to smile at Gansey, but gave up halfway through and stood to walk back the way they had come.

 

\----------

 

When Ronan and Gansey returned, they found the others in the middle of an apparently hilarious re-telling of how Noah had saved Gansey’s life. Gansey jumped right into the conversation, claiming a spot on the blanket, all too eager to clarify details Noah had misremembered, but Ronan stood back to watch. Noah waved his arms wildly above his head at a particularly dramatic point in the story, and he screamed out nonsense, stubbornly breezing past Gansey’s insistence that, “That’s not at all how it happened!” Ronan had to admit, he liked the way Noah was impervious to Gansey’s serious facade. He almost felt a grin forming on his face, but then Adam burst out laughing at something Noah had said, and Ronan’s heart caught in his throat.

It was true, there was no sight more beautiful than Adam lost in laughter.

The fact that Adam’s laugh was given away freely to a total stranger made Ronan feel small for ever thinking he’d had a knack for drawing that laugh out of him. Apparently, it wasn’t all that difficult to do. It made more sense for Adam to be laughing at someone like Noah, anyway - Noah had a light in him like Adam did. They were both clearly good people with gentle hearts.

Ronan considered slipping away for another walk, a more quiet one this time. He allowed himself to linger in Adam’s bright eyes and laughing face for what he told himself would be the last time. Just a few more seconds, minutes.

And then Adam looked up at him, laughter still shining in his eyes, breathless and happy. How was he ever supposed to forget about this?

Ronan realized too late that he had been staring at Adam. Adam was still looking up at him, a softness behind his eyes, the same look he always offered him after one of their fights. Adam said nothing, but he jerked his head the slightest bit, indicating that he wanted Ronan to come over.

Somewhere, Ronan knew that somebody was angry with him, or he was angry with somebody, but he couldn’t currently… remember… why. He was already sitting down next to Adam, who leaned to him and whispered, “You okay?”

It all came back to Ronan in a rush. The part of him that valued honesty above all else considered what a truthful answer would look like. _Well, you just made it very clear in front of all of our friends how you can’t stand the the thought of being with me, so I’m feeling pretty shitty right now. By the way, I think I’m in love with you and there’s nothing I can fucking do about it._

Instead, he simply whispered back, “No.” 

Adam’s concern was evident. He kept his voice a low whisper, “Would it help if we talked about it?”

Ronan tried to think of anything he could possibly say that wasn’t what he had just thought. Again, he replied, “No.”

Adam wasn’t satisfied. “At least tell me, is it my fault?”

This time, Ronan’s answer was the complete truth. He sighed. “No.” Adam hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t his fault if Ronan took everything to heart and made it all mean more than it did.

It was clear that Adam was still confused, working over something in his head, but he accepted Ronan’s answer with a small nod and turned back to the conversation happening without them. His shoulder was a hair’s width away from Ronan’s, but it never touched. Ronan wondered at Adam’s lack of anger, and the closeness he was allowed now. He wasn’t going to lean into it like he would have before, but he was going to be grateful that Adam apparently wasn’t done with him as a friend.

He ignored the curious glances Gansey kept sending his way.

 

\----------

 

Noah’s presence in their group kept any further tension at bay that afternoon. He carried around his own infectious happiness and split his attention between each member of the group so that no one was left out of the silly discussions and games, not even Ronan. Adam was infinitely grateful for this.

They headed in the direction of the Ferris Wheel at Blue and Noah’s pleading, and Noah had started a game called “Football.” Adam couldn’t figure out why in the world it was called that, as it had nothing at all to do with football, but Noah refused to explain. Ronan kept asking what the point of the game was, and Noah refused to explain that as well. It didn’t matter, in the end, because they all played anyway.

As they walked along, Gansey and Blue lead the way hand in hand, Noah tagged along behind them, and Ronan and Adam brought up the rear. Things had apparently smoothed over to the point where they could roll their eyes at each other during Noah’s excited explanation of the game’s rules. Adam didn’t care how dumb the game was if it gave him an excuse to spend time with Ronan like everything was normal.

“So, like, this is a word game,” Noah was saying, with a little skip in his step, “I’ll start, because I know how to play - not that it’s hard to play. You just pick a word, well, I pick a word, and then somebody goes next and says a word that’s related to the first word. And so on and so on! That’s basically it. It’s like a word train.”

“How do you win?” Gansey turned to ask Noah with a confused look.

“Um, I don’t really remember if anyone wins.”

“So it’s pointless." This was Ronan.

“It’s not pointless if we’re having fun! My word is… midnight!”

There was silence in the group. Noah clapped Gansey on the back, “Your turn, Gansey!”

Gansey played along, even if he didn’t understand the appeal. “Stars.”

Blue shrugged, “Sky.”

Ronan sighed. They were doing this, apparently. “Rain.”

Next to Ronan, Adam grinned, “Tractors.”

Everybody stopped to look at Adam like he had lost his mind. Noah spoke up first, “Um, Adam, buddy, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think you just lost the easiest game known to mankind!”

Ronan burst out laughing, an act that shocked Adam into silence. Ronan patted Noah on the shoulder and said firmly, “It counts.”

Noah was beyond confused. “How the hell do you get ‘tractors’ from ‘rain’? I’m lost here!”

Ronan grinned, “Adam can explain if he wants. But it counts.”

Noah sent Adam a pleading look. Adam just grinned and said, “Your turn.”

They continued playing that way as they walked. Noah would pick a normal word, Gansey and Blue would play along nicely, and Ronan and Adam would throw out bullshit words that only made sense to them, taking turns laughing at what the other came up with, and defending their words to Noah.

They were nearly to the line for the Ferris Wheel, so Noah declared it was the final round of the game. “My last word is skateboard.”

Gansey replied easily, “Wheels.”

Blue answered without hesitation, “Asphalt.”

Ronan grinned a wicked grin. “Cart.”

Adam snorted, and then said in a slow, dry voice, “Stupid motherfucker.” He jumped out of reach as Ronan lunged for him, laughing all the way.

Noah was entirely exasperated, “That was two words! And neither of them made any sense! Why do I feel like I’m missing something, here?”

Gansey and Blue exchanged glances, and Blue put a reassuring hand on Noah’s shoulder. “Better get used to it, pal. We always feel like that with them.”

The entire time they waited in line together, Noah begged Adam and Ronan to explain what any of their answers had meant. Neither one said a word, although they did a poor job of hiding their laughter. By the time they made it to the front of the line, Noah was properly annoyed with them. When they tried to follow Gansey, Blue, and Noah into the sizeable car of the Ferris Wheel, Noah put out both hands to stop them. “Whoa there, fellas, only true friends allowed in this pod. You’ll have to catch the next one.”

Adam started to argue, but Blue stepped in, “Hey, guys, seriously, it makes me nervous to have too many people in here. Do you mind?”

Ronan groaned a curse under his breath, but he stepped back with Adam and waited for the next car. This was the first time they had been alone since before lunch, and the tension was already seeping back in. They stepped into the car in silence and sat on opposite sides. The car made a slow lurch into motion, and then the reality of the situation hit Adam. He was stuck on a very slow, very quiet ride with Ronan, and he didn’t know how long it was supposed to last, and he didn’t know if he was afraid of heights, and he didn’t know if Ronan hated his guts.

He could already feel a headache coming on like it did any time he started to obsessively worry about something. But less than five minutes ago Ronan had been laughing at his jokes, just like normal. And earlier he had said whatever was bothering him wasn’t Adam’s fault, so maybe… maybe _what?_

Ronan was sitting across from him, chewing on his lip, staring at the leather bands around his wrist, twisting them around one at a time. Adam tried to take in the scenery beneath them. The park grew smaller and smaller as their car rose slowly, and ordinarily, it would have been fascinating, but right now he had a very confusing boy sitting in front of him and his eyes repeatedly found their way back to Ronan despite his best attempts.

The silence around them was suffocating, and Adam itched to break it. Before he could stop himself, he felt the words leave his mouth. “Am I that bad?” _Shit._ He could have at least tried to keep some of the vulnerability out of his voice. Jesus. He could have waited until he wasn’t trapped with Ronan in a Ferris Wheel car crawling through the air.

Ronan looked up at him sharply, “What?”

Adam closed his eyes for a moment, willing his voice to stay calm, hoping to hide the emotion that had slipped out the first time. “Am I that bad? You freaked out when Gansey and Blue thought we were together.”

Fuck. Why was he asking a question he didn’t want to know the answer to? Why couldn’t he stop talking? “You got so embarrassed and upset, and like, I know I’m not that great, but I didn’t really think I was that repulsive either, so I’m just - I’m just confused.” Maybe Adam _was_ afraid of heights. He felt lightheaded and sick to his stomach. He couldn’t bring himself to look back at Ronan.

“Adam."

He was not going to look at Ronan.

“Adam.”

Adam focused intensely on the distant rides below. Across the park, he could see the ride he had started the day with. That felt like ages ago, now. He remembered Ronan’s hand brushing along his hair, Ronan’s hand slipping down to hold his own. He swallowed down the lump in his throat.

The car shifted slightly as a weight settled next to him. Two fingers pressed to his jaw, and his face was gently turned to look at Ronan. The hand fell away. Ronan leveled a firm stare at him and asked, “Is that what you were so pissed off about?”

For some reason, this question surprised Adam. He thought carefully about his answer. “Well, yeah. I’ve always had someone to tell me I’m not good enough, to be ashamed of me, but I never got that from you or Gansey or Blue,” he willed himself to ignore the lump rising in his throat yet again. He was not going to cry here. “I mean, I get why you wouldn’t want to be seen as, you know, with me. It just hurt to feel like you were embarrassed by me now, too.”

Ronan somehow looked relieved and angry at the same time. “What the fuck, Adam?” He seemed to hear the anger in his own voice and stopped. Adam started to turn away again, but Ronan’s hand came back and softly pulled his face to look back at him. It was a brief touch, but it combined with the warmth in Ronan’s eyes to make Adam feel very off balance suddenly.

Ronan started again, no softer this time, but the anger was gone. “Listen, I fucking like being seen with you. I wouldn’t be embarrassed about you. Ever. You’re,” he hesitated, seeming to weigh how much he wanted to say. Instead of finishing his sentence, he wrapped an arm around Adam and pulled him closer until Adam’s head rested on Ronan’s shoulder. He rested his cheek on Adam’s head and sighed. The next words out of his mouth were softer than any Adam had heard him speak before. “Jesus Christ, Adam.”

 

\----------

 

They sat at the top of the Ferris Wheel for a silent moment. Ronan replayed the afternoon through the lens of Adam’s explanation, and he found himself with more questions than before. For now, though, he was content to sit in this moment with Adam, whose head was tucked into Ronan’s shoulder, and whose arm was wrapped around Ronan’s waist in a hug that held on for dear life. Ronan held him right back and didn’t bother stopping himself from rubbing his thumb in circles where he held onto Adam’s arm.

The ride started a slow descent, and Adam pulled back far enough to look at Ronan, then seemed to think better of it and settled back in. His voice was quiet when he spoke. “So we covered why I got so upset today, but you still haven’t explained why you got all pissy and stormed off.”

With his new knowledge of Adam’s previous intentions, Ronan was painfully aware of how he had overreacted and trying to explain it felt stupid now. Adam deserved an explanation, though, so he would try. He sighed, “The way you said it made it sound like I was an impossibility; like I was too disgusting to even consider. I get that I’m an asshole - a stupid motherfucker if you will," he gave a small laugh, "but Jesus… you’re kind of my favorite person, and that one stung just a little.”

Adam started laughing against him. “Fuck, Ronan. You _are_ an impossibility, but not because - shit.” His laughter died down, and he groaned into Ronan’s neck. “I’m so sorry, I just thought I was saving you the embarrassment.”

Ronan couldn’t get much closer, but he tried anyway, pressing his cheek to Adam’s head and hugging him tighter. “No embarrassment,” he reminded him. Then he processed what Adam had said, and he pulled away in confusion, “Wait, why the fuck am I an impossibility?”

Adam tried to hide his face in Ronan’s shoulder. He moaned an embarrassed, “No,” and when Ronan pulled back too far, he hid his face in his hands instead.

“Seriously, Adam, what the hell does that mean? Is that a good thing? Bad thing? Help me out, here.”

Adam peeked at him through the cracks between his fingers, and then sighed, pulling his hands away. He avoided eye contact and his cheeks flushed red as he said, “It’s a good thing. It’s like saying you’re too good to be true, or something like that.”

Ronan barked out a laugh, and then visibly relaxed. He slid down in his seat so that his head rested on the back rest. He turned to look at Adam with the faintest hint of a grin on his face. “I know somebody like that, too.” His foot nudged Adam’s.

Adam’s face grew a darker shade of red, but he couldn’t hide the smile forming there. He shifted to mirror Ronan’s posture, and they laid there, shoulder to shoulder, looking up at the roof of the car. Adam turned his head slightly to look at Ronan. He quietly offered, “I’m not too good to be true.” Ronan’s smile was wide and unhindered. He quietly replied, “I’m not, either.”

Their hands brushed lightly between them, knuckles against knuckles. Ronan allowed himself this, looking into Adam’s eyes with no hesitation, no barriers. Adam looked right back. All of their unasked questions gradually slipped away as their eyes grew comfortable wandering over each other’s features, meeting glances every so often

Ronan felt a single finger come to rest over the edge of his hand. He pulled his eyes away from Adam’s face to look between them on the seat. At the sight of Adam’s pinky finger hooked softly onto his, something wound and unwound in his chest.

Ronan bit his lip and tilted his head back to look at the ceiling of the car again. He sat perfectly still and smiled to himself for the rest of the ride.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Adam felt unsteady when he stepped out of the Ferris Wheel car onto the platform, and he couldn’t tell how much of it was from his time spent in the sky, or from the way Ronan kept looking at him.

Their hands brushed again as they exited the ride and made their way off to the side to look for Gansey, Blue, and Noah.

Adam couldn’t keep from stealing glances at Ronan, and he knew Ronan was doing the same.

Every time their timing slipped and their eyes met, a smile tugged at Adam’s mouth, and he was sure he saw a hint of it on Ronan’s face too.

Something about the day suddenly felt like it had settled into place. He would have thought that finding out that his feelings were reciprocated would have given them so much to talk about and figure out, but instead, he felt quiet; content just to be with Ronan and to know that he felt the same.

They spotted Gansey through the crowd and began making their way over to him.

Blue noticed them first and bounded toward them excitedly. “So,” she linked her arm through Adam’s, “How’d it go?”

Adam briefly wondered just how much time Blue spent trying to get him and Ronan to get along, like a mother always trying to teach lessons on sharing and teamwork. Before he could answer, Ronan cut in with fire seething in his voice, “Thrilling. Being trapped with Parrish in small spaces is my favorite activity.” He glared at Blue.

She raised her eyebrows and averted her eyes dramatically. “Jesus. _Sorry_.”

Adam glanced curiously at Ronan as his heart began to beat faster. It had been real a moment ago, hadn’t it?

Ronan waited until Blue skipped away to hang off of Noah instead and then he leaned in to whisper in Adam’s ear, “It _was_ thrilling. Being trapped with you _is_ my favorite activity. She doesn’t need to know that.” With that, he pressed a hot kiss to Adam’s neck, just below his ear, and pulled away with a wicked grin, turning to join the others.

Adam’s heart threatened to break his ribs.  


\----------

  


The rest of the day followed in the same way, with Ronan pretending to be exceptionally pissed off at Adam, and Adam rolling his eyes in practiced indifference, only for them to sneak hidden smiles or touches when no one was looking.

It was so easy to act like they were fighting that by evening the others had mostly given up on trying to patch things up between the two of them. Gansey and Blue had lived through enough Ronan-and-Adam fights to know that things would smooth themselves over by tomorrow, and so they let themselves get carried away by Noah’s contagious antics across the park. It only made it easier for Ronan to rest his hand on the small of Adam’s back when they all waited in line, and nobody noticed when Adam tugged Ronan to the back of their group to slide their hands together when they walked across the park at the end of the day.  

When they reached the parking lot they banded together to find Noah’s car under the lights. Noah’s only directions were, “It’s a red Mustang and I thought I parked it under E but maybe it was C? Or D?”

When they finally found it they all laughed at Noah for somehow not remembering that he had parked in the same row as the Pig. Ronan quirked an eyebrow, “Didn’t you see it when you met us for lunch?” and Noah shrugged defensively and laughed, “I get lost easily!”

They all stood around the old red Mustang for a long while, talking, laughing, putting off saying goodbye. The only way they finally managed to part ways was after Gansey had nailed down a plan for Noah to come stay at Monmouth soon.

After Noah pulled away with one last burst of noise and color, the gang slowly made their way to where the Pig waited for them.

Ronan couldn’t help but notice the way Blue kept tugging at Gansey to keep him from pulling ahead of him and Adam.

At first, Ronan was surprised that Blue hadn’t already run ahead to launch herself into the passenger seat to claim it for the ride home, but then he remembered all of her teasing comments and suspicious glances from that morning. With a small hint of guilt, he thought about the way she had grown quiet when he and Adam had fought all through the evening.

Apparently Blue had finally given up. She was silently offering to let him take the passenger seat without making a scene of it, graciously sparing him from having to spend the long ride home pressed up against the boy he was fighting with.

Ronan couldn’t deny how kind the gesture was. He might have even thanked her for it, in another life -- a life where he wasn’t aching desperately to spend the next two hours pressed up against the boy he most certainly was not fighting with. He kept his expression cool as Adam reached the Pig, opened the door, and crawled into the back seat. He glanced at Blue, and she looked at him with a hint of pity in her eyes. He bit his lip to keep the smirk off of his face.

He silently crawled into the back seat after Adam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uuuughsldfksdg i'm sooooo sorry for the wait!!! i got discouraged by all of the flaws in previous chapters and let this one sit for a while. i couldn't leave it unfinished though!! 
> 
> this ending is shorter than i had originally wanted, but somewhere along the line i ran out of juice for this story and really just needed them to at least get to the point where they can secretly play with each others hands and makeout in the back seat for two hours hahaha. i'm shit at ending stories so... i don't know. i'm so sorry. i hope it made you smile!
> 
> your kudos and comments are so encouraging. <3 thank you guys for being so kind and helping me want to write more! now that this one's finished i can focus on these nerds in the next AU! 
> 
> love you all! <3


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